If Phineas Bogg wrote a History book...this is definitely it!

It is five years into their partnership, and Jeffrey is just about ready to go to Voyager school on Planet Voyager, there will be no more relying on his memories of seventh grade history. Phineas has of course obtained a new and improved guidebook, and this time he actually reads through it and keeps it on him at all times. However one day he just flings it across the room. He has had enough.

He loves Jeffrey like his own son, there is no doubt of that, but five years of condescending, patronizing jibs and jabs to his intelligence and seeming lack of historical knowledge has done him in. It's not just the kid, but all his contemporaries at Headquarters – teachers, the council, Voyager Drake – whom Phineas believes is the reason he doesn't remember much about history because that dastardly Voyager keeps messing it up! The Guidebook info keeps a changing.

Well no more! It's time for our beautiful, illustrious Bogg to take a Voyagers Sabbatical. It's time to prove to his 'smart-mouthed' partner and those snobs at VHQ once and for all that he definitely knows his history, and this would be the book he writes!

"If you REALLY want history to come alive, every room needs a spit bucket. Every. Room."

Major kudos to the real authors of this book, Adam Selzer in particular (Hey, his name is on the cover!) for bringing history to life in a most hilarious way.

I will say three words, 'BUY THIS BOOK!' As of today, I placed my order.

I am only in chapter 1 of this book, the one I snatched from the library..but I have literally GUFFAWED out loud reading it, it is totally my kind of book with my brand and sense of humor, and it cracked me up even more to imagine this as Phineas Bogg's words of gut-busting, yet utterly truthful historical facts. I mean, he's a time-traveler, the man has seen it all and then some.

"Marie Antoinette had terrible legs!"

"Schnibbits! Learned it from the Gypsies in Hungary-won 12 goats!"

"I've been playing cards since they were made out of rocks."

"Kid, on Wednesday Matinees I was Nijinksi."

"Some of my best friends have been pirates."

"I used to toss the old ball around with Admiral Doubleday."

Check out below for some supplemental samples from the website. It's on blogger too. A definite add to my favorite blog list.

I just can't help but imagine these words coming out Bogg's thoughts. He would be so funny, and punchy and sarcastic and of course...brutally honest!

Onward ho! (Images I found online)

Chapter 1: Early Explorers: Brave, Bold and Rich in Minerals

No one seriously claims that Columbus discovered America anymore - plenty of people (including plenty of white people, not to mention the "Indians.") got there before he did. Before 1776, most people credited the discovery to John Cabot, who bumped into Canada while working for the British. But after 1776, people wanted some national heroes that WEREN'T associated with the Brits, so they started naming everything in sight after Columbus. The Spanish tried (and failed, over and over) at setting up colonies throughout the 1500s. The Pilgrims arrived in 1620 and, unlike many who came before them, managed not to get eaten. But between their arrival in 1620 and the 1770s, the only event most people can name is the period in 1690 when people in Salem, Mass started executing suspected witches.

No one knows what Columbus looked like; this famous portrait is said to be of him, but is probably just some random jerk from Bologna:

It's easy to take shots at Columbus on the grounds that he was a massive jerk who couldn't navigate his way through an outhouse with a map and a compass, but still: he bumped into a continent that none of his contemporaries knew was there, which is more than YOU did.

Chapter 2: The Colonists are Revolting

In the 1770s, colonists rebelled against British rule. In this famous portrait, General Washington rebels against the basic rules of boat safety.

Lonely ol' Chuck Carroll.

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died on July 4, 1826. Adams' last words were "Thomas Jefferson smmffffss." Those around him decided he was going for "Thomas Jefferson still lives," but he COULD have been saying "Thomas Jefferson smells" or "Thomas Jefferson still owes me five bucks." What he didn't realize was that Jefferson had died a few hours before. And what NEITHER of them probably knew was that Charles Carroll, another signer of the Declaration of Independence, was also still alive. And, judging by his portrait, so, so alone.

Chapter 3: A Nation Declines to Bathe

Having formed a new nation, Americans expanded westward, fought a war or two with pirates, and elected a bunch of rather forgettable presidents who didn't even have the courtesy to grow comical facial hair of which future historians could make fun.

President James K. Polk:

Business up front, party in the back, baby. (With hair like that, he looks like a party animal! – VG)
Polk was actually a pretty effective president - he made a list of goals and accomplished them all in one term. He may not be MEMORABLE, but he got the job done.

Chapter 4: The Civil War - America's Puberty

"The Civil War was like America's puberty. It was growing rapidly, things were getting hairy down south, and blood was starting to flow down there." - Brian Eddlebeck,

Can you tell which soldier is fighting for slavery and which is fighting for "state's rights" or something like that? Get ready to duck; no matter what your answer is, SOME historian is probably going to throw a folding chair at you.

Chapter 5: The Gilded Age (or, Screw the Poor!)

As the nation got back on its feet following the bloody civil war, it also entered the Age of Invention and the age when a handful of rich jerks owned most of the country. The presidents got hairier - and even MORE forgettable. We LOVE the picture (above) of the Farman Flying Machine - look how excited these guys are to have gotten this thing off the ground! How could it have barely taken a century for flying to get so, so boring?

Chapter 7: The Roaring Twenties

Soldiers came back from the war ready to party. There was just one problem: as of January 20, 1920, it was illegal for anyone, of any age, to buy or sell alcohol. But no one paid any attention to that particular law - in fact, in many cities, people drank MORE. The 1920s was an age of glitz and glamor and decadence. But it all came crashing down towards the end of 1929, and many war veterans spent the whole decade jaded, disillusioned, and depressed.

For years, people had said that if women got the vote, they would start drinking, smoking, swearing, sleeping around, and wearing short skirts. In the early 1920s, women began drinking, smoking, swearing, sleeping around and wearing short skirts. Of course, they'd always done these things (except for the skirts part - right up through WW1, women kept their ankles pretty well covered), but in the 1920s, women, particularly those known as flappers, became much more open about it....

This book is a sure keeper for smart aleck history buffs like me...okay, also for obsessive Voyagers fans like me who's first and foremost intense thoughts when scanning all the history books out there is..

"Gee, this event would make a great Fan-fiction story for the boys! Let's see where Bogg and Jeff can tumble in and fix something!"

I'm glad I have a place in which to share this book fascination with the ten people who read and 4-5 people who comment! Thank you! Really!


  1. Ten people who read and 4-5 people who comment! Wow! That gives me the elitist feeling of belonging to a REALLY exclusive circle. Thank you for that, too.
    This book seems to be really hilarious! It already made my day!

  2. LOL..This blog is totally elitist. Voyagers! fans are a rare class of humanity. You are very welcome. ;) As you can see from the extreme lateness of my post, it made my night..and morning, when I edited and added a few more things before running off to work with a migraine. Goodness, I woke up thinking I was going to blow up in my bed. The stench of gas was pouring through my window and I must have been inhaling it for quite some time. So I'm cranky and snarky this morning from lack of sleep, (partially my fault for giving in to my major sugar cravings before bed and thus not going to bed at a decent hour!) It's a wonder I woke up at all. Never did find out where the smell came from, as long as it wasn't from *inside* my house.
    So, I Already put in the order for this brilliant book. It's an impulse buy for sure. Now I feel like blogging about my favorite 'historical' coffee table books. Look out for that one some time soon. I so want to write a Coffee table book. I will look up what it takes to do so..besides a gazillion copyright permissions, because I want a gazillion pictures, heehee. As for the topic of my book, what else could it be but the world of Voyagers!? :D

  3. OMG, I just LOVE those smart-alecky books! Gonna have to look into this one for sure!


  4. Well, G, I guess we'll just have to round up all members of this rare class of humanity and start collecting donations for this noble purpose, since I assume we all want this book to see the light of day :-)

  5. lGinger, this book sounds incredible! I will want to check this book out, of course I love history books. I don't know if you have ever heard of a book called Don't know much about History? by Kenneth C. Davis it is a funny book also. I love the pictures of Bogg by the way especially in his Civil War uniform! I've been playing cards since they were made out of rocks LOL... EmilyW.

  6. G, This book sounds interesting. I am proud to be a part of this elitist group of Voyagers. I am going to see if I can find this on Amazon and put it on my wishlist.

  7. This book is available for my kindle and my Sony e reader woo hoo I am excited now.

  8. I bought my copy for 6.95 new on Amazon, that's not bad, though it has the 4.00 shipping. boo. I am serious about the Voyagers coffee table book, and if Scholastic won't publish it, then I will go with the current ebb and flow of self-publishing..looks more fun anyway! lol. And realistically, the market may just not be there for some 'obscure' show from 1982. Though people are going all retro now. hmm.. I just need to figure out where to start, how to start...and stop being such a chicken and contact James Parriott! He's da man who started it all and I would definitely need his input and blessing, right?
    And Emily, I have seen that book by Kenneth Davis! I took it out once, started to read it..but got sidetracked and returned it. But it's in my face every day. After I finish with this book, I shall go back to that one. I think..there might a quote in that book by Davis that I wanted to use for one of my future blogs..though it may be from another of his books. Thanks for all the comments. :D

  9. Yep, it's on kindle too. :) My eyes are too bad, I need to have the book in my hands, so I can't handle e-readers too much.
    And Traci, that's why I corrected myself-I said 4, thought of you and changed it to 5! LOL.:D Thanks.

  10. ROFLOL! *sigh* Now I can just see Phineas smirkin' while he writing somethin' like that! LOL. I LOVE history, and when it's funny I know I'll love it even more! :D Thanks so much for puttin' a smile, ok a smirk on my face today Ginger!

    I'm gonna have to check this book out!!!! ;D

    Now I'm gonna try to compose myself here and stop fallin' off my chair! :P

  11. ROFLOL! I wish I could just scan every page of this book and post it, it's chock full of 'historical' gems that have me rolling off my chair..or my bed, where I was reading it last. What's even funnier is imagining Bogg writing it and his voice reading it...and the fact that the writer every so often says, 'which is more than YOU did!' ROFLOL..makes me think that he's poking Jeffrey for being such a smarty pants.
    And it's written for Young Adults, so you could use these zingers on your teachers, and after each chapter you get a hilarious 'quiz' and essays and assignments. hahaha.

  12. I already bought it via my kindle. Okay now i have to acutally use my Kindle now, LOL. I know I agree with you I love it when History is made fun and I can totally see Bogg writing this too.


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